So, I think I need a hug

This post, I'm warning you now, is pretty emo. But hopefully I'll feel better afterwards.

I'm feeling fat and ugly lately, and that's not good. Ugly not so much, because everyonce in a while I'll look in the mirror and see someone that is sort of not completely hideous in a wierd sort of way. But I am feeling fat, and I wish I wasn't. So I've been doing more pilates, I hope they help.

Other than that I'm pretty stressed out. I have a math test on Friday that I don't feel I'm ready for, but there isn't any way around it. I'm not sure if I would be any more prepared if it was in two weeks, anyways. This worries me. How will I do on my final?

I'm also really dissapointed in myself because I don't think I'm a gold cord winner for convocation. I've been in honour roll all throughout high school, but I just found out I once got a 69% in math. Only one term, but I think I might have been completely screwed over just for that. And that majorly sucks. Because I'm left feeling as if my school marks mean absolutely nothing, and I hate that feeling. I've always worked really hard to keep my grades up, but one fuck up and no one will ever know. And it didn't even end up mattering for cegep at all, either. Erin Baumeister got into the same program as me at Dawson, and although I've never checked I know she doesn't get as good marks as me. I'm just... so dissapointed with the way things have worked out. It seems like there isn't really a point in working hard, because obviously I'm in the same boat as the people that put in a mediocre effort. Then again, maybe that's what I deserve. Maybe I am just mediocre.

I'm not really pretty.
I'm not really skinny.
I'm an okay singer.
I'm an okay artist.
I was an okay musician when I played.
I sort of know my way around computers but not really.
I'm not really unique, I mainly recycle ideas.
I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed.
My grades are alright, but not amazing.
I seem to be incapable of attracting any guy on this planet.
I'm not good with babies, children or animals.
I can't cook.
I'm not a very good writer.
I'm no good at sports, except maybe rugby. I'm an okay player. For a rookie.

Long story short, I'm not really exceptional in any way at all. I'm just a mediocre person in every sense of the word and there isn't any way to change that. I just feel like I'm letting myself down. I always wanted to be special, that's all. And coming to the realisation that I'm not just sucks.

I want someone to show me something happy. Just happy.

I want a fucking hug.

Just a phone call

So, my ex-boyfriend from the ninth grade called me on Saturday. And I can't stop thinking about it.

I haven't seen him in a really long time, almost a year now, and I can't help but miss him. He's just... just different I guess. I don't know. Whenever we have conversations, he always ends up mentionning things that I completely understand, things that I go through myself, but that no one else ever talks about. Ever. I've heard him say things that made me go: "Oh my goodness, I'm not the only one that does that?" It's just really strange whenever I talk to him. It's hard to explain, but I guess that's just the way it is. The whole thing is rather unsettling though, because I thought I was over him, I was sure I was, but now... I talked to him for almost two hours and I would have gone on for double that time.

I felt kind of sad for him though, I really don't think he's doing well. I get the feeling that he's sort of letting go of things, that he doesn't really care about all that much anymore. And not to sound egocentric or anything like that, but I can't help but think that he called because he needs me there. He doesn't have that many close friends at all, and I couldn't help but get the feeling that he really wanted to see me. And what caught me off-guard was that I really wanted to see him too. I wanted him to come down and see me and hang out together and all that jazz. I wanted to give him a hug and tell him not to give up. I wanted him.

This summer my mom and I really would like to go see my sister, and if that's the case I'll see if I can take a day or two and go visit some friends in Cambrige. I miss all of them, but I think I miss him most. I guess it's because whenever I talk to him, it's like I feel connected. We used to have the weirdest things happen to us, and I miss that. A prime example is this one time, I had just heard this song by the Smashing Pumpkins called Ava Adore for the first time, and I was totally absorbed by it. I still love that song, but when I had first heard it I was nearly obsessed. So, needless to say, I had been listening to it all morning and was writting the lyrics down on a piece of paper when he showed up, listening to his mp3 player. He says: "Damn, I'm totally obsessed with this song." And when I asked him what it was, it was the same one. And I know that's just a coincidence, I know it's really trivial in the grand scheme of things, but stuff like that used to happen all the time between us, and I miss that.

Oh, dear. I think I've tumbled down the rabbit hole.