something strange

Indeed, there is something not quite normal in my mind. I haven't told anyone yet because I'm worried it'll turn into the boy who cried wolf. But I can't shake the feeling, there is something happening.

For the past couple days now, whenever my mind wanders about like a lost caterpillar through my lawn, whenever I happen to find myself thinking of my ex-boyfriend, it doesn't hurt quite so much anymore. Suddenly, it's as if the term "ex-boyfriend" doesn't seem so wrong anymore. Although I'm not completely certain, I do believe I might be getting over him.

I think this might have happened quite abruptly, actually. I think I came to grips with the fact that I won't see him again for a very long time, and that perhaps that chapter in my life is over. I loved him, that's for sure. However, I think that the feeling may be passing. I am changing, and so are my emotions.

Unfortunetly for me, this probably won't change much. I have this strange tendency to remain single for quite a long time without ever meaning to. I suppose the reason for this is painfully obvious to anyone that has a loose grasp on at least one of the five senses, but for some reason I remain oblivious to it. Maybe I should wear more push-up bras or something, I don't know.

Eh, I guess I'll live. It's just that I'm so worried that one day I'll end up bitter and alone, that I'm already feeling bitter about it. The same feeling when I can't understand a certain math problem for the life of me but everyone else is smiling happily, understanding perfectly while talking about their significant others. Ugh. Maybe I stink and no one's had the guts to tell me. Maybe my voice is annoying. Maybe my skin is rough and no one wants to hold my hand. Maybe I'm just ugly.

Or maybe not. Maybe, just maybe, I'm just wrong in some way that I don't know about. Maybe it's just something I do that makes me undesirable.

That's a lot of maybes. And yet, no answer comes. I should probably start looking into buying some cats and tacky clothing.

Dinner time.

a good weekend

Three day weekends are rarely bad but can sometimes be boring. Fortunetly, boredom wasn't the case for this one.

On Friday I went shopping with my mom, which was kind of useless since we didn't buy anything save some face goop for my mom (However, I did recieve the bonus makeup that came with it). It was still fun though- my mom used to go out together a lot more but I guess I've been busy lately because we haven't spent time together for a while. So it was nice, despite the fact that we didn't see anything too interesting. Besides, I think she might have wanted to talk about her dad being in the hospital and stuff, and she wanted to see if there were any shoes she could buy for the gala thing my dad's been invited to. So it was good. Then I got home and called Kaela. We had planned to do something but realised we had no money, so instead I went to her house and we watched Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Now I've seen it three times this week, but it was the first time for her. I enjoyed watching her expression at all the funny/suprising parts.

So that was Friday.

On Saturday, I must confess, I didn't do much. Mom and Dad went out, so I watched some cartoons and sang along really loudly to the Moulin Rouge soundtrack. I love signing, it's so fun. Especially when no one can hear you, because then you're not so afraid to make mistakes. It was a little depressing though- I can sing all of Ewan McGregor's parts perfectly, but I have trouble with Nicole Kidman's. Damn, why is every girl a soprano? One day I should become a singer just to prove you can still sing even if you can't hit super high notes. Oh well, I had fun either way. Then night-time came and I went to Peters party with Anne-Marie. It was annoying as hell to get a hold of her, but in the end it was worth it because I got a ride both ways. :) It was a pretty chill party too. Not too many people came, but I don't mind small partys at all. I had a lot of fun, and I'm glad to report that I didn't wake my mom up getting home. It's not that I came back too too late or anything, but I feel bad when she wakes up because of me. I also usually fear that she'll assume I'm drunk or something if I make to much noise, and since I'm very, very rarely drunk I would hate for her to assume I am.

Sunday, now.

My parents were gone when I woke up, but I didn't really care. I like being alone, it's sort of calming. No awkward silences when you've only got yourself to talk to. So I watched some more cartoons and played around with the laptop until it was time to got to rehersals. It was my first rehersal, and since it was only the third rehersal for everyone else I'm not too behind. I need to get the music though, because I really need to learn the lines in the songs. Then again, I'm sure it'll come soon enough. Most of the rehersal was just dancing though. Man, the director is so cool. You wouldn't know just looking at him, but that middle aged man can dance like no other. We'll just be listening to a song to get the beat and stuff, and he's off dancing like a maniac. It's great, it really is. So yeah, we got to do a lot of strutting and hip rolling. I got complimented on the way I twirled and jumped, which is funny because I didn't think I was doing that great a job at all, mostly because I didn't really know what I was doing to begin with. Probably a fluke, but nice to hear nonetheless.

I need to buy white shoes for the play, I can't forget to buy white shoes. And I told Elizabeth that I'd help her with costumes. I wouldn't be suprised if my offer was ignored though. I think that since I worked with Maggie last year, the costume departement will be reluctant to work with me, as if I'm infected or something. It's too bad, I thought that Maggie was fine to deal with if you approached her right, but somehow her and the club was just a bad mix altogether. Ah, well, I'm sure they've both learnt something from it.

Jon was at rehersal, and since I haven't seen him since we went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I was so happy to see him. He's such a cool kid, I can't wait to see him in a couple years, he'll be such an interesting nearly-adult.

So now I'm here, and there's school tomorow. I think Mr.Hirsch is planning a math test this week, which is actually a good thing because I need to catch up on my marks. Other than that, my expectations for the upcoming week aren't too high. But that's okay, boring weeks make the interesting ones more worth while.

Is it just me or is this a rather long post?

there must be some mistake...

So I'm doing the dishes tonight, and the phone rings. My dad picks up.
"She's busy, let me take down the number and she'll call back."

Turns out it was Debbie from the Music Club. Apparently there was some sort of mistake and they mistook me for another girl. I'm in the play after all! :D

This makes me happy, for a few reasons.
- The people doing the casting had been telling me that I had a nice voice for a while now and I felt kind of gipped that they didn't cast me after hyping me up for such a long time.
- I didn't really want to make costumes with the woman making costumes this year. Although I'm sure she's nice, she never smiles and I think I would feel uncomfortable working with her for an extended period of time.
- I like rehersals, I admit it. I also like being backstage.
- This year it's set in the fifties and I like to wear circle skirts. :)
- I felt bad for Thea because she only had Marika to talk to. And that's no fun at all.
- I felt ashamed of telling my work that I could work Sunday afternoons afer all, especially considering we had already worked something out. Now I don't have to.


Too bad Craig isn't doing it this year, I would have liked him to be there, because Craig is cool. However, I totally understand that he's got other fish to fry instead of being in chorus, so I forgive him. That is, as long as he comes to watch the final product. :)

And holy crap, Dresden Dolls are coming to Montreal, and seeing as the prices are incredibly cheap I just might be able to go. :D I still have to talk to Mom about it, but I think if I play my cards right it'll be okay with her. Damn, I really really want to go, they're one of my favorite bands!

So yeah. This is me being happy. Not to mention I had time to listen to Spanish Train right before I got off the school bus this morning, so I had an awesome song in my head the whole day.

"There's a Spanish Train that runs between..."

auditions prt 2 and other random happenings

Damn, it seems I haven't written in here for a while.

Well, bad news first I guess. I failed my latest math test. This sucks, but it provides a good lesson and I'm going to smarten up. Doing nothing and acing the test is chemistry class, not math, and it's time I learnt that.

On another, possibly less cheerfull note, I didn't get into Bye Bye Birdie. This made me feel like absolute shit, let me tell you. I guess I had just taken for granted that I would at least get chorus. Especially after Caf' St-Jaques, where everyone was telling me how awesome I was and how they couldn't believe I hadn't auditioned. And how people were supposedly "glad I decided to audition this time around". I just assumed that they actually wanted me in the show, I guess. I'll be fine, but I found myself suddenly realising that they didn't want me after all, and it felt like everyone had been lying the whole time.

Or maybe it just felt shitty to have my ego squashed like a fruit fly between a boulder and an anvil. I'll get over it.

Other than that my life is grand though. I've now become the "a-v" kid at school, what with doing the morning announcements and stuff. Yup. I feel like everyone will think I'm trying to be Chris Wilding, but it's not my fault I want to show clips and make people laugh! I guess they'll just have to live with me, because I'm here to stay. :D

I want the school year to end.

The thought strikes me of how much happier I would be without math class. It just brings down any day that it's part of. I. can't. wait. until cegep. No more math, no more science. Thank freaking god.

Well, that about it for me. Catch you all later.

Auditions

So Hudson Music Club auditions are on Saturday. I only found out today, but I think I'll do it. I mean, I haven't got much to lose, I guess I'm jut not all that sure how I feel about it. It's as is all of a sudden I feel a little stupid or something, as if I've been imagining myself getting some big important role and realising that that's just retarded. I've never acted before, so I'm not sure how well that'll work out for me. I suppose I've got to start somewhere though, and there's nothing wrong with trying something new. Besides, I might like it.

I guess my only problem now is cash. I wouldn't be getting paid for this gig, so I'm still not entirely sure it's worth doing. Then again, it's possible that I only get a chorus part, in which case I'm not sure I'll do it. I just don't want to spend all my Sundays there when I could be working somewhere else and earning money if all that I get out of it is the "satisfaction" of being the random girl in the back. But at the same time, shows are so incredibly fun and I would hate to miss those times backstage where everyone's excited and having a good time. It's really tough to find where my priorities lie when I've got Europe in mind. I guess, if worst comes to worst, I will ask my parents if I can borrow some of the money if I can't make the payments in time. It'll be a drag to pay back, but at least I'll get the best of both worlds. Theatre and Europe. Damn, that would be awesome! Providing, of course, that I can still make it to Europe with the waiting list and all that crap. I wish I could have worked more this summer.

I hate to sound like a victimised emo kid and all, but damn, it's not my fault that I didn't work more this summer. I handed in applications, I aced the interview, I got the job. Then they just didn't call. I though, as well as my mom and dad, that as soon as they opened they would fix things and get organized. To my dismay, however, they didn't open when they said they would, and they didn't get organized. It's left me highly frustrated and at loss for things to do. Well, I guess it's too bad for them, because I'm putting in resumes elsewhere and I'll quit as soon as I can. Too bad, so sad, they suck and that's crappy. I just wish I would have known ahead of time, that's all.

*sigh*. Now I'm all angsty and worried about money and stuff. Goddamnit, I'm sixteen! AND SO ANGSTY ABOUT RANDOM SHIT!! There. It's been acknoledged. Let the healing process begin!!!

....

I repeat, let the healing commence!!!

....

Better luck next time I guess. Oh well, talk to you later.