overwhelming

Hallowe'en party yesterday, it was so fun! I was so happy to see Kim, she still rocks my world even though I haven't seen her for a while. Goddamn, what a great gal. She just never gets any less cool, and I was uber happy to see her again. I didn't get to go to her going away party, so it was even better to party with her again.

It was weird though, I got a lot of comments about how quiet I was being. I think some people thought I was sad or something, which is strange because it was an odd time when I wasn't at all unhappy. I guess it's just because I'm not very good at partying (if there is such a thing) and big, loud, drunken get-togethers sort of overwhelm me. I just never know quite what to do with myself, so I end up not doing anything I guess. Maybe I'm just not so social as I think I am after all. Whatever.

Being quiet at parties does give you interesting oportunities to think about your life though. More so than it seems, believe me. For instance, at Peter's yesterday I ended up wondering why it was that I couldn't seem to get any action. A silly thought, I'll grant you, but that's what happens when you find yourself in your own little world around a bunch of silly people. I thought to myself: "Maybe I should have a tap list too." Unfortunetly, this morning I kept on thinking and came to several good conclusions why I shouldn't.

A) I'm just a silly little girl, and quite frankly I would feel so foolish and awkward about it that I would probably rip it up withing the first five minutes of writing it.
B) I'm just a silly little girl, and I wouldn't know how to go about completing it anyways. I've always had troubles approaching people.
C) I'm just a silly little girl, and I would probably end up telling someone about it, and that person would tell everyone else, and then every girl would think I was slutty and every guy on the list would avoid me at all costs.
D)It wouldn't work out anyways because no guy would be willing anyways.

I realised that I'm just one of those girls that chose long ago to be a girlpal by accident instead of a girlfriend, and somehow the package I chose didn't come with benefits of any kind. Nadine says I've got personality up the wazoo, but unfortunetly that doesn't come with the added bonus of reminding the guys around me that I've got tits under that shirt. Personality doesn't equal sexiness, and that's that. Nadine might not think she's got a great personality (even though she's uber cool), but she's still got monster sex appeal.

I tried kidding myself by saying there just wasn't anyone cool enough. However, by stating that I prove myself to be nothing more than an elitist, snobby bitch and therefore it makes me no cooler than anyone. So I'm back to square one, without any idea of how to go forwards. Perhaps guys just think I'm needy with a touch of depression, and it pushes them away or something. Could be. Either way, results are the same. And maybe the results are all that matter in the long run anyways.

Sorry I'm being such a baby guys. I know I've got great friends, and if any of you are reading this don't think you're not doing a great job, because you are. I just need to unload my angst somewhere, so it all goes here.

Love to and from Thea

These are the questions....

1. I'll respond with something random i like about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal.

This is what Thea told me...

1. everything... ummm... yah everything... YOur hair the factthat you make your own clothes, your awesoem stenciling techniques, the fact that you got along really well with my camp friends, ummm.. the factthat we wanted to go into the same program befor we even... you know talk about it. I love it
2. ummm... the frend song from moulin rouge, heathers, the "squirrel song", wind in your sails, empire recordes, Almost famous... there is so much more...
3. What would happen, is that We would take all thejello out, and replace it with mud, and have a mud wreatle. THen we would eat all the jello. As for what kind, we would OBVIOUSLY make it ourselves, so we would go to the IGA, and probably buy the most intreating sounding one, or we'd mix the ones that would look the cooles. So eather tropical strawberry kiwiw punch, or Bleen (blue and green)
4. Oh... my god.... I thinkmy brain just exploded... theres too much to choose from..... hmmm...:
-SQUIRELL!!!!
-lets watch when harry met sally
-dating ben. And being late for rehersal!!! (I'm soorry jon!!!!)
-We may look happy but its a lie, WE'RE MISRABLE ( that includes all the other vintage humor things)
-Reform school??????
-you marring dylan
-Evan. Enough said. Although I think everyone else might get that one.
-And finally....(even though there is sooo much more).... :)
5. You sittin gdown at lunch with us and me telling you I loved what you were wearing and that I loved you make up, and then in french when you cam over to sit with me.... heehheee, and the last one, (i know its only supposed to be one memeory... but I lose!!!) watching ed wood.... oh so long ago.
6. a sex kitten/bunny. But probably kitten.
7. alrgiht, I know this is sorta a sentive subject, but do you like anyone (or have you), and who?

And this is what I would like to respond with...

1. The way you gesture. I can't explain why, but it's rather unique and funny, and it's just one of the ways you rock. Um, the way you always seem to have the same ideas as me without realising it. The fact that you're a complete dreamer but that you can be super mature as well.
2. In the song category, definitely "total eclipse of the heart". I heard that on the radio in a store the other day, and I refused to leave until it was over. SO worth it. Um, other than that, pretty much anything comming from the eighties, or Sunday Clothes or The Telephone Hour. As for movies, Adventures in Babysitting is pretty high up there, as well as When Harry met Sally (even though I've never seen it...) and The Young Ones, even though that's not technically a movie.
3. I'm up for the jell-o mixing idea. However, I think we probably wouldn't end up fighting in the jell-o, we'd probably end up fighting with the jell-o. And the jell-o would be cut into animal shapes with cookie cutters.
4. BITE ME, JACKASS!!
167 hours!!(Actually, by now it must be about fifty two hours and a half)
SQUIRREL!
A lot of people get this one, but it's rather funny either way: Thank you Wobin!
Same goes with "Reform School?"
And before I spend the rest of the afternoon thinking about it, Perhaps I'll sto here.
5. First day of school at lunch, I'm sitting down with the only person I recognized from another class, which was Anne-Marie. Dylan came out and said: "Why, you look like a wonderfull human being", as he sat down. Then out you ran behind him going: "I want to meet the wonderful human being!" Good first impression, if I do say so myself.
6. A bunny, or a chipmunk.
7.What have I always wondered about you? I can't think of anything satisfactory at the moment, so I'll have to take a rain check on that one.

Thea, you rock my socks. And to answer your question in #7, as far as I'm concerned the answer is no. I've blamed that largely on the fact that I wasn't over my ex-boyfriend for a long time. But that has changed, so now I'm just waiting for someone cool enough.

BITE ME JACKASS

boring entry

167 hours thirty eight minutes until the Dresden Dolls concert starts. Can you tell I'm excited?

I started tutoring today, it was an interesting experience. I think the kid is smart, he just doesn't pay enough attention. For instance, he has a dictation tomorow so I made him practice for it. I told him to read it over, and although he did, I don't think he payed much attention to it. Result: So. Many. Mistakes. But I corrected it along with him and by the third try he was down to something like three mistakes. So I was pretty impressed. I think I'm going to make him read a book in french so he gets used to using the language more often. I'm sure he could benefit from it.

You probably don't care about this, so I'm going to talk about something else.

Much More Retro freaking rocks. All eighties music, all the time. It's the perfect network. the only thing it's missing is pop-up video, I love those shows. Unfortunetly though, I just found out that now it has commercials. That sucks. Whatever happened to 24/7 videos? I don't want to see fucking advertisement, I want to feel that eighties vibe, man. This makes me sad.

Holy fuck, Arsenic and Old Lace was on t.v. Since when? Man, I got to flip through the boob tube more often, just so I can see what awesome movies are playing.

I want sleep. I want to sleep in.

Today Kaela and I played the "I want" game, for lack of better term. It consists simply stating, in turn, what one wants but doesn't necessarily need. It's fun, especially when you run out of things and end up saying things like: "I want a pet tiger."

Tee hee.

God, this must be such a boring entry.

cooling down

Sorry about yesterdays post guys, I just needed to get that out of my system. Under the bad points, I showed my uber self-centered bitch side. Under the good points, it did trigger some pondering on my part and I did get a few answers.

See, what I realised is that what a lot of people want in a boyfriend/girlfriend these days is someone with mild personality, smart enough to laugh at their jokes but not bright enough to prove them wrong. Therefore, when two slightly dim-witted people find each other, they end up liking each other and going out. Fait accompli.

Sadly, I don't think I fit into that category. I'm not smarter than the average person, that's for sure, but I definetly don't want the same things. I need someone who will challenge me. I need someone to argue with. I don't want someone who'll laugh at all my jokes, I want someone who will question them.

Now, I already do have a couple friends that do that for me, but they are friends and nothing more. This, I suppose, is where things get more complicated. What's wrong with these guys? Who knows, but something tells me we're much better off friends. But I'm one step further to solving the mystery than I was twenty four hours ago, so there's that.

It is entirely possible I've missed the mark completely, but at least for now I feel a little more fufilled.

On a different note, I think I should hire Thea as my publicist or something. She got me another tutoring job, I can't believe it. What a gal, she gets an extra big Christmas present this year.

excess angst

Hold me still as I slit my imaginary arms with toy razor blades.

As I was walking home today I finally admited to myself that I actually wish I would get hit by a car or something and end up in critical condition at the hospital, just so I could put my life back into perspective by saying stupid things like "well at least I'm still alive." Too bad, no such luck so far.

I had a shit day today. Excuse my patheticness, but I just have to shout out how everyone's getting dates but me. Don't try to argue, because I'm too self-centered to listen.

Sorry I'm being such a bitch, I'm just being carelessly angsty today. Forgive me, tomorow I might try harder.

I will grow up to be a bitter woman with too many cats

Before I start, I would like to state that I am angsty. At this point in time, however, I don't really give a flying fuck. A good friend once told me that once angst was acknoledged the healing process was sped up, but I regret to inform you all that this hasn't worked for me so far. Moving on...

I'm really, very lonely. I've tried watching anti-romance movies, but those just made me bitter. I've tried watching lovie-dovie chick flicks, but then I get depressed because I wish my life were a fairy tale. I've tried reading books, hanging out with friends, working, doing more homework, spending time with my mom, spending more time by myself making things, keeping a journal, surfing the internet and shopping, but the fact is that I am lonely. I am over my ex-boyfriend. It is possible I never see him again and that's okay. However, I have realised that this situation means that I have nothing left to hold onto. I don't even have the dim hope that one day I'll go back to Ontario and meet with him again. My only hope now is that I don't developp an allergy to cats any time soon, because if that's the case than I'm really fucked.

"Don't be like that Marianne, everyone loves you."

That's funny, when's the last time someone held my hand? Try nearly two years ago.

"If I were a guy I'd been in your pants in a second."

Then dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians, because I'm pretty sure that's all the action I'm capable of getting.

And yet, throughout all this time, no one has been able to answer me the following question: "What in the fucking world is wrong with me?" I have a great life, I shouldn't even be contemplating the thought of beginnning to complain. I get okay marks in school, I like to laugh and I have a couple friends. And yet, I'm unhappy. I am an angsty emo child, there's no escaping it. I am wrong. Somehow, in some strange way, I am wrong inside. Thank goodness for postsecret though, or else I would think I am the only one. Too bad the feeling of "you are not alone" doesn't have an effect though, I wish it did.

To quote Modest Mouse:
"As life gets longer, awfull feels softer, well it feels pretty soft to me."

The danger here, though, is that I end up falling for any/every guy that will hold a conversation with me. Of course, when I am rudely awakened by the fact that we're just friends and that's it, it costs me another tear. Or two. Or three. I am a naive little girl, that's what.

Maybe I should just live up to my stereotype and start cutting my arms to bits.

"Now you're just being stupid."

Fuck off. I'm always stupid on the inside.

nice to see you too

Hi mom. I haven't seen you and dad for three days. How was your trip?

Fine. We had a great time. Why was the floor dirty near the carpet? Why is there a hose on the balcony?

[explanation]

Did you watch a movie?

Yes.

Did you eat popcorn?

Yes, sorry I didn't clean it all up.

What else did you eat?

Potatos, soup and an egg.

Butter tarts too, right?

Right.

Why didn't you tell me you ate butter tarts? You're not telling me the whole truth.

Um, sorry, I forgot.

This conversation was followed by plenty more drilling about what I did during their trip. God fucking damnit. I wanted so badly to flip her off and walk out, but I decided it would be a bad idea. It was still really annoying though. Why the fuck would she care how many towels were used? Why would she think that if I forgot to mention butter tarts I was flat out lying? What, does she think my house became the drug addict haven while she was gone or something? It pissed me off so much. For shits sake, I actually wanted to know how her trip went, and all she did for twenty minutes was act all scandalised because I had more than one person over to film, and that I filmed a scene that included me [fully clothed] in the shower.

"I just don't think you would have done all this if I was home."

You can fucking bet I would have. So stop being so paranoid.

In her defense, she did apologize later. She realised she was being crazy, and she said she was sorry. So I totally forgive her for it, but I just needed to rant about it a little. If you ever read this, mom, forgive me.

Anyhow, you can tell it's not such a big deal by the size of the rant. It's pretty big, and I could go on. And when it comes to me, my biggest rants are the most trivial. You can tell I'm having a serious problem when I start being super rational. And the less I talk about it, the less I know how to express it, the more serious it is.

Eh. It was a fun three days though. Filming worked out superbly, and cancelled rehersal was cool too. Having Thea over was awesome though. Almost falling asleep during Arsenic and Old Lace was totally fun. I think everything gets more fun when you're doing it with a friend though, everything just seems cooler.

I don't want to type anymore.

just a little vent

Ugh. So, filming today was fun, granted we didn't actually have a memory card so we have to start over again tomorow. That's not so fun, but it'll still work out fine, I know it will. I'll even bring my digital camera just in case we can't get a video camera from the media lab.

My dad went out today and bought a suit for the gala thing he's going to next week. It kind of pisses me off though. I won't say exactly how much he paid for what he bought, but it's fucking expensive. If I took the exact same amount he spent on two shirts and two ties, I could have at least four whole outfits. Ten if I made them myself. What's up with that? I just don't understand how anyone, no matter how well paid, can justify spending that much on clothes. It's just a piece of fucking cloth! And you know what, I don't blame the designers for this, not one bit. Things only sell for how much people are willing to pay for them, and if I was in their shoes, I would be charging big bucks too. Hey, their aim is to make profit, so how can I blame them? I blame the people for not looking for a better bargain. Whatever happened to my deal-down dad? Whatever. I hope it's a nice suit at least.

Dear me, I will have absolutely no time to do any homework tomorow. Oh dear, I wish I cared.

However, I do have some english reading to catch up on.

Goddamn, i really don't want to go to school tomorow. However, I can't wait until next week. My parents are gone for two nights, and I think I'll invite Thea over for one of them. It's been a long time since we hung out just her and me it seems, I miss that.

Eh, going to read now. G'night everyone bored enough to read this!